jamriot 2024-01-11 23:05:18

Thanks for participating! Your piece particularly struck me as powerful when you took the time to not only set the scene, but also paid extra attention to the pacing of revealing the scene! One of the best examples of this includes the first few paragraphs.

One suggestion I'd like to make is to consider the importance of various characters in such a limited space, where we only have so much time to get acquainted with different people in this world and the described scenario. There are some characters that didn't particularly need names or were name-dropped at times that made it difficult to follow (i.e. the first time Eliz is named). Additionally, there are a few grammatical errors that, while not major, did hinder the story at times (for example, you refer to Alnix with male pronouns throughout the first few sections in which he is introduced, but then use female pronouns (assumedly by accident) when his mother is introduced ("it's her mother...")).

Overall, despite some issues that made the story difficult to follow, the story itself was an interesting look into the thoughts and actions of your characters, and I'd love to see you polish this and build off of it! Thanks again for participating, winners will be announced here and on Discord soon!